交易员小靓

The fifth part of "Life is impermanent and permanent, and living is not a failure" was originally planned to be written long ago, but after all, this part is the most gloomy and failed part of my 30-year life, full of pain and self-confidence. Responsibility and regret, so I haven’t put pen to paper yet. Exposing one's own ignorance and mistakes is something that most people are reluctant to do because it hurts their self-esteem and so-called face, but brave people dare to admit mistakes frankly, accept criticism and take responsibility, and stand tall. Keep moving forward on the long road of life. After graduating in August 2018, I went to work in other provinces. I used the money I earned in 2017 to crowdfund some projects, and gradually lost all of them. Although I paid attention to this industry after that, my focus was still on work. At the beginning of 2020, my uncle introduced a Beijing girl named Xiaoqing. She was born in August 1992, one year older than me. Since we were in different places, we started chatting via text on WeChat. After a few months of getting acquainted, we switched to video chatting, and our relationship gradually warmed up. Xiaoqing is a gentle and generous northern girl. She drinks a glass of wine every day, smokes a little cigarette, and likes to sleep in in the morning (I call her on time at 7:00 every morning to wake her up and go to work). She has a Beijing registered permanent residence and has a set of parents who were born in 2010. I bought a small apartment around 2000, work in a public institution, and have a bachelor's degree. In a phone chat one night at the end of 2020, Xiaoqing mentioned that she wanted to get married and buy a house: she wanted to buy an 890-square-meter house in Beijing. The market price was about 8 million, and a down payment of 30% would cost more than 2 million. Hearing Xiaoqing's thoughts, I was very happy but also a little scared, because I have saved less than 200,000 in the past few years, and my parents are ordinary ordinary people. The only one in the family is a house in the city. The market price of the house was only about 1.4 million. The situation was explained to Xiaoqing on the phone at that time, but in the end it was not clear whether she could afford the house. Xiaoqing could feel a little disappointed in her voice. In those days, I had been thinking about buying a house. I called my parents and told them about it. I also knew that my parents were powerless. After all, they had devoted all their efforts in training me to be a college student. There was too much support from them. Almost impossible. I called my uncle and told me about this matter. My uncle meant to tell me not to be anxious. When the time comes, he would help me introduce a girl from here. It is always close to home and I will have someone to work with or in other aspects in the future. In response, I didn’t say much. I still keep in touch with Xiaoqing on a daily basis, but I can feel that the atmosphere of chatting is not as natural and interesting as before. Sometimes when I call Xiaoqing, she doesn't answer because she is busy with work. I know that I may have made her sad about buying a house, and I also feel very lost. In today's social atmosphere, the concept that men need to buy a house and a car when they get married is also imprinted in my mind unconsciously. I think this is the responsibility that a man should have. On April 3, 2021, my uncle transferred 700,000 from my mortgage loan to my card. The loan term is 25 years, and the monthly mortgage payment is about 5,000. This 700,000 was the money I used to buy my grandfather’s house. My uncle’s idea was to use this 700,000 plus the hundreds of thousands my mother had to buy a house in Hangzhou. This is why my uncle asked me to get a loan. I told my mother about the reason for this. My mother’s view was that she would buy a house after I returned home to work and get married, so she didn’t agree with my loan. Since I didn't agree with my mother's point of view, I went to the bank to get a loan privately. For me at that time, holding this huge sum of money was very stressful. I had to pay about 2,500 yuan in interest every month. Considering that my monthly salary was only 7,000 yuan, I felt a little uneasy when I thought about it. At that time, the market was at the end of the bull market, and I remember the peak of the pie was around 64,000u. I wanted to buy a house in Beijing through my own efforts, and I happened to have the money on hand. After thinking about it again and again, I bought a few large cakes for 2 points in cash at 53,000u. I imagined that I could double the price and sell it later. Go to Beijing and buy a house. Destiny is such a trick on people. Two months after entering the market, the price dropped rapidly, and I lost nearly half of my money. At that time, I felt like the restlessness and fear of ten thousand wild horses galloping. I comforted myself that as long as I didn't As long as you sell it, it will be fine. The price will always go up. After all, I am a value investment. At worst, I will let it go for 5 or 10 years. I don’t believe it will go up. But at this time, I received a call from my uncle saying that he had an urgent need and wanted to borrow 450,000 from me to turn around. On the one hand, I didn’t want my uncle to know that I was losing money on my investment, and on the other hand, I sincerely wanted to help my uncle. , I bit the bullet and said yes. After all, this was the first time in my life that my uncle had asked me for help. How could I be embarrassed to refuse.Looking at the 300,000 yuan left in my account, I felt uneasy. After all, I was still short of 100,000 yuan. It's really strange. I don't know what happened to me. I somehow pulled up the leverage and made a big pie contract. I thought that as long as I made 450,000 yuan, I would sell it immediately and transfer the money to my uncle. But the downward trend is so strong. Seeing more and more money being lost, I am impatient to get my money back, and irrationally increase the leverage to make the pie bigger. Finally at that moment, everything was over, my head was buzzing, my face was hot, my position was liquidated, my account became 0, everything was over, and my heart became silent. I fell into despair thinking about when I would be able to pay off the mortgage of more than 1.8 million yuan. I was hungry for several days, listless and had no energy to work. My uncle kept calling me. I didn’t dare to answer the phone or tell him. His truth. The phone kept vibrating...and my heart kept trembling... The sky was gray, and I thought about getting rid of this misfortune. Life, why did it become like this in just one thought! ! !

It's late at night, and I still feel nostalgic when I look back on my four years in college. They say that people who miss the past probably don't live a better life now than they did before. It makes sense when you think about it. At that time, the academic pressure was heavy. In addition, I had to exercise during the day, and I had to work overtime and study until 12 o'clock at night before going to bed. When the final exam was approaching, I still vividly remember the scene of reviewing all night with my classmates, which was quite warm. . Although my head and body were tired at that time, I didn't have any big psychological pressure, I wasn't too tired, and I felt pretty good having fun all day long. Until I came into contact with BTC in 2015, I unknowingly buried misfortune and even death in my life! At noon one day in March 2015, my roommate Lao Yang asked me to borrow 1,000 yuan. He said he wanted to invest in the blockchain (the price of BTC at that time was about 3,000 yuan) and gave me some knowledge about BTC. What he said was still the same. It made sense and I lent it to him. Out of curiosity about new things and because I like to talk about funds with my classmates, I searched for BTC on Baidu. Most of the interfaces that popped up showed blockchain scams, Ponzi schemes, etc., and what came to my mind was I couldn't help but think that BTC was probably similar to Q coins, so I didn't pay much attention to it anymore. Lao Yang is one year older than me. His hometown is Changde, Hunan. Because of his similar personality, he is playful and loves to play basketball. A month after I last talked about blockchain, I discovered a strange phenomenon, that is, Lao Yang has changed a lot. It can be said that a 180-degree change has taken place. He who usually doesn’t like to study can now study by himself at night. At 2 or 3 a.m., I got up at 5 a.m. and started studying again. Occasionally when I went to the toilet a few times in the early morning, I found that the lights in the study room were on. When I opened the door, I found that Lao Yang was reviewing for the IELTS exam. It’s quite incredible when I think about it. Sometimes when people wake up, they may cherish every little moment and work hard towards their goals, I explained in my heart. Once, Lao Yang recommended to me a pretty good knowledge payment platform, which was founded by Luo Zhenyu. He also introduced Li Xiaolai: The Road to Wealth and Freedom column, saying that the content was pretty good. Out of curiosity, I downloaded the app and spent 190 yuan to buy Li Xiaolai's column. After reading the previous articles, I felt that I quite agreed with Mr. Xiaolai's understanding of the underlying logic of life and society. However, due to the proximity of Due to the exams and my lack of perseverance to play, I couldn’t follow up with Teacher Xiao Lai’s updated articles every day. As the days passed by, Lao Yang was still making progress as if he had been given a shot. After taking the IELTS exam, he reviewed and prepared for the Psychological Counselor Qualification Certificate and the Judicial Examination every day and night. He still lived a mediocre and leisurely life. . To be honest, at that time I really couldn’t understand why the fun-loving Lao Yang was so motivated and passionate about learning now! It's just that I'm usually careless and just let everything take its course, so I don't take things around me seriously. It wasn't until one day two years later that I knew the general reason why Lao Yang was so motivated: I still remember that when Lao Yang borrowed 1,000 yuan from me, he also borrowed 5,000 yuan from his parents at home, and then spent the 6,000 yuan I crowdfunded a project called eth. The crowdfunding price was about a few yuan, which is equivalent to Lao Yang buying about 3,000 eth and holding it all the time. As the price rose, Lao Yang’s worth also increased. Lao Yang It is said that the peak reached more than 3 million. I asked Lao Yang: How did you know about this project. He said: Didn’t I recommend Li Xiaolai’s column to you? That was mentioned above. As soon as I heard this, I immediately regretted it. I felt like I had missed out on winning the 5 million grand prize. It really verified the saying: the amount of a person's wealth and his cognition are consistent with each other. Without that cognition, no matter how good he is in making wealth, Can't grasp the opportunity. "So this is why you were so eager to learn during that time," I said. "Well, I guess, when you work hard and are recognized and rewarded by reality, you will have a positive feedback incentive. mechanism, and firmly believe that as long as you work hard, the results will probably be good,” he said with a smile. This is indeed the truth, and I can't help but admire Lao Yang. Looking back on those days of my life, apart from studying and exercising normally, I had no goals of my own and just went along with the flow. Compared to Lao Yang, I was really not that far behind. But God still favored me. After listening to Lao Yang’s experience, I also started to learn. First, I bought Li Xiaolai’s columns and books and read them. Indeed, Li Xiaolai once talked about blockchain and BTC in an article. This article couldn't help but lament that I missed an opportunity, but I thought about it seriously and didn't dwell on it: after all, even if I read this article, I might not have Lao Yang's vision, cognition, and courage.I also purchased blockchain-related courses online, registered with Li Xiaolai’s Yunbi platform, and spent 2,000 yuan to participate in crowdfunding for a project called VeChain. The crowdfunding price seemed to be 0.2 yuan, but what I was given was The early bird price is cheaper. In total, there are more than 30,000 ven in the account (I can’t remember the code name). It’s incredible. As soon as the ven started trading on the platform, the price was more than 2 yuan, which suddenly increased nearly 30 times. The account It’s more than 60,000 yuan. Wow, I really can’t believe it. I was so excited for several days that I couldn’t calm down. But I had no trading experience at all at the time, and I didn’t know where to sell at profit. I had read several value investment books by Buffett before, but these things were not the same thing as the stocks of listed companies at all. They were purely speculative products, but at that time there was no way Without this knowledge, I just kept holding the position and didn't care about anything. After all, my costs were low. A few days later, the price fell back to more than 1 yuan, and then to more than 0.8 cents. Since I didn't sell at the high level, and the price dropped so low, I would not sell anymore, so I kept holding the position. Since the course pressure is usually high and the cost is only 2,000 yuan, I didn’t pay attention to the price. After waiting for a few months to open the account, I was almost shocked. I couldn’t believe my eyes👀. The account turned out to be It turned into more than 500,000 yuan, with so many extra zeros, and I suddenly became happy. I treated my roommates to a big dinner that night but didn’t tell them about my money making. I finally experienced Lao Yang’s state of mind at that time, but Newborn calves are not afraid of tigers. Faced with this huge sum of money, they did not withdraw cash to sell them. They thought that their cost was only 2,000. Now it is more than 500,000. After a few months, it will become several million before they can be sold to their home city. Buying a house, thinking about it, I was quite ambitious at the time. But good luck did not always follow. A few months later, the peak of the account reached nearly 800,000. Then on September 4, 2017, a sudden black swan came. 94 must be an impression for old leeks in the currency circle. From that day on, my dream of buying a house was completely ruined. The total account amount hit new lows day by day. After just a few months, the account number became more than 60,000. In the end, I completely gave up my faith and sold everything. In short, this The transaction was considered profitable, but compared with the peak of hundreds of thousands of yuan, I was very upset. Alas... It was this experience of ups and downs in wealth that subconsciously formed the misconception that making money is easy. I also bought Lei for myself a few years later.Later, people started crowdfunding for copycats one after another, and they almost lost money one after another. Looking back on this experience, I have mixed feelings. To be honest, I would rather have never experienced it, never been exposed to BTC, never had the experience of making a lot of money through luck, but just to be an ordinary person without too many desires. , go to school and work honestly, then get married and have children, and live happily. But there is no going back for all this, and every step taken in life counts. Only by reflecting on and summarizing the past can we guide ourselves in the future. But I didn't do this at that time, so I went further and further on the rugged road and almost fell off the cliff!

Life is like a dream. Sitting on a green car traveling to a distant place, the scenery outside the window flashes across your eyes. Things in the past can't help but appear in your mind. They are so clear and real, but everything has become the past. All that is left are things called memories. After arriving at the station, I got off the bus with my luggage on my back and arrived at my third "hometown". After a period of adaptation, I got used to the local customs and habits. During this period of time, my life was monotonous and fulfilling, but not as rich and exciting as my college days. I occasionally called my family to report that I was safe. During that time, my grandma's condition was still stable, and she didn't have anything to worry about in her heart. It just went on like this. A year passed by unconsciously. At 7:15pm on January 4, 2013, it was the saddest moment in my life. At that time, the mobile phone in my pocket kept vibrating, and I felt inexplicably uneasy. I answered the call from my uncle: Grandma just left. When I heard this sentence, the whole world suddenly became quiet and dim, and tears instantly flowed down. I knew that the people closest to me would leave forever, and I would never hear that familiar and kind accent again, "Grandma." "This dialect word will be buried in my heart forever. The next day, I returned home. After attending my grandma's funeral, I returned to work the next day. During that time, I became much quieter and was not interested in anything. I silently read the books and materials for reviewing and preparing for the exam. In June of that year, I was admitted to another good university through my own efforts. When I received the admission notice, I couldn't express my excitement. On August 7, I got on a plane for the first time in my life and arrived at one of the "hottest" cities in the country. My grandfather, my dad and my uncle were waiting for me at the airport gate early. Everyone's faces were filled with happiness. I am also very proud in my heart. The achievements achieved through personal efforts are like the joy of autumn harvest. I think only partners who have personally experienced setbacks and finally succeeded can feel the same. At that time, I felt comfortable wholeheartedly, because I believed that my future would not be too bad at least! I also silently said to grandma in my heart, grandma, I succeeded! The environment of the new university is so beautiful, the teaching facilities are so complete, the food in the cafeteria is so delicious, everything is unimaginable, is this true?Of course this is true, he replied cheerfully in his heart! Come on, boy! Your future is no worse than others!

At about 9:40 that night, my uncle and I got off the high-speed train at Tianjin West Station, took a taxi for more than 200 yuan to the university, and stayed in a nearby hotel. I got up early the next day, ate tea eggs cooked by my grandma and breakfast bought downstairs, then went to the university to report, and finally saw the university on the cover of the admission notice. Following the notice posted at the school gate, we found the counselor in charge of the Department of Legal Medicine, went through the admission procedures, and then went to the university dormitory. My uncle and I simply cleaned up the dormitory, packed our luggage, and then walked around the school. In a circle. The sun was shining brightly that day, and there was a salty but soft smell in the air. After walking around the campus, I felt a little disappointed because the area of ​​the university was not as big as that of a high school, with dormitories and teaching buildings. There are only a few buildings in total. When walking on the road, you can see damaged floor tiles from time to time, which shows the level of daily property maintenance of the school. On the way to send my uncle back to the hotel, my uncle and I talked a lot. I vaguely remember that the important topic was that there are three major events in a person's life that change their destiny. One is the college entrance examination, the other is marriage, and the third is career. Obviously, my first A big event didn't go very smoothly. We had a lunch together downstairs at noon. After eating, my uncle packed his luggage and prepared to go back to Hangzhou. Before leaving, he gave me 1,000 yuan in cash and told me to work hard and take care of myself outside and not have to worry about things at home. After bidding farewell to my uncle, I returned to the dormitory. A new roommate also came to the dormitory. My uncle and aunt were also busy cleaning up. A sense of authentic Tianjin Wei echoed in my ears. Before I left, my uncle and aunt asked my roommate to take care of themselves. , I think parents all over the world have the same heart. My roommate's name was Zhang Qiang, and we got in touch within a short time. We went to the cafeteria for dinner together and ordered a portion of tomato scrambled eggs and a meat dish. Unexpectedly, the tomato scrambled eggs were sweet and not very tasty. After eating, I went back to the dormitory and lay on the bed thinking about life. I couldn't help but think of my grandma's face in my mind, and tears filled my eyes from time to time. Growing up, I had the deepest relationship with my grandma. Every time I came home, I could eat it. The delicious food made by grandma, etc. In short, I feel very warm when I am with grandma.I left my hometown and went across provinces to study for the first time. I was still quite lonely inside. I was reluctant to make long-distance calls and reported good news but not bad news. Unlike now, where you can video chat anytime and anywhere. I remember that the mobile phone I used at that time was a Nokia. e64, I can access the web version of QQ, and I usually read the text version of NBA commentary as a kind of entertainment. It was also the early days when smart phones started to become popular, and the iPhone 4 was the representative. Some people even sold their kidneys to buy it. Now think about whether those people who sold their kidneys would cry to death, but after all, the iPhone 4 was indeed very popular at the time, and its electronic screen could Playing games, watching movies and fighting landlords, what a new thing, I really want to have a mobile phone like this. There is no doubt that this is definitely a tool for flirting with girls! The time in the first year of college is indeed quite good. It is not as stressful as in high school. Playing games all night and skipping classes and sleeping in during the day is also a unique experience. There are 6 people in the dormitory sleeping together, even if they are caught by the instructor, At least I have a companion. Because of my fresh energy when I first entered college, I signed up for several clubs, including magic club, taekwondo club, and an external liaison club. The main purpose of joining these groups was to enrich my college life, and secondly, to have a vigorous and exciting life. love. But fate is such a trick on people. I didn't find my partner in college, but was robbed once. Not only was my money robbed, but I was also broken up and almost lost my life. Thinking about how lucky I was at that time, after calling the police that night The forensic examination cost me only 200 yuan in my pocket. I went to the hospital to have the wound sutured and bandaged with gauze. After that, I had to rest in the dormitory for nearly a month and a half, which wasted more than half of my wonderful time on this campus. Life is so unpredictable sometimes, you never know what will happen next. After recovering from the injury, less than two weeks later, I left the place where I had struggled for so many years and embarked on another life path. From then on, the gears of fate began to turn.

It is said that people stand up at thirty, but when I look back at my own thirty years, it feels like a dream, so unreal, and yet so heartbreaking. After graduating from college, I had a stable working-class income. I thought that my life would be very promising. I would get married and have children with the person I love, have a happy family of my own, and have a wonderful future that makes people yearn for... But... All of this was destroyed by me alive. It's ridiculous to think about it now, and I lament the tricks and impermanence of fate. Born in a small village in Yushui in the south of the Yangtze River, I grew up with my grandparents and spent a happy and carefree childhood. When I was about to enter the sixth grade of elementary school, because the junior high school in the town was not very good, my family decided to let me go to school in the city, so I left my grandparents and came to the city. Because my parents were busy with their daily jobs, I was free to take care of myself. When I was in junior high school, I was obsessed with playing Fantasy Westward Journey. Three months before the high school entrance examination, I secretly went to an Internet cafe to play games. After the high school entrance examination, my grades were not very good. Calculated, the score was comparable to an ordinary high school in the city, but it was still more than ten points away from a key high school. Because I was very ambitious, I applied to this key high school when I filled out my application form. But to go to a key high school, you have to pay a school selection fee of 30,000 yuan, which was a huge sum of money for an ordinary family in 2008. At that time, my mother talked about the idea of ​​letting me drop out of school and work, but now I think about it. understand. Later, because my grandmother, uncle and other relatives worked hard on my mother, she paid money to attend the provincial key high school. Looking back on this matter now, I think I still lacked communication with my family, especially my mother. In fact, when I filled out my application form, I was not ambitious and only wanted to apply for a key high school. The key was the attitude my parents had towards me at that time. Due to distrust (you don’t know how much you weigh, can you get into that key high school) and the rebellious mood of a teenager, I stubbornly and willfully only applied for that key high school. In fact, parents' sincere and attentive communication with their children can solve most of the problems in their children's lives, especially when it comes to major life events. Since high school studies are heavy and my parents are busy with work, they board at school. I usually have to wait until Saturday morning to finish my extra classes before I can go home during the holidays. Usually my parents are not at home. Occasionally, the whole family can have a meal together. meal.During this period, I will play basketball with my classmates and surf the Internet, and then return to school before 18:00 on Sunday night. Just like this, two years passed in a daze, and I entered my senior year of high school. My grades were average, I was ranked around 450 in my grade, and I didn't get the attention of teachers. Teachers usually pay attention to those who are not at the top. The students are either the poor ones at the bottom, or the poor ones in the middle with mediocre qualifications. At that time, I was very confused about my future life. Since my childhood dream was to be a policeman, and my uncle’s suggestion, I confirmed that I wanted to apply for the second police academy in the province. I would exercise (running) in my spare time. , shot put, etc.), because to apply for the police major, in addition to cultural courses, you also have to take a physical fitness test. After a year of hard work, after the college entrance examination, I clearly remember how excited I was before I went to the Internet cafe to check my scores on the evening of June 23, 2011. I thought I could get the good scores I wanted and go to that police academy, but in reality It was so heartbreaking. I scored 92 points in Chinese and 104 points in mathematics... The total score was 424 points. At that time, the key line for science was 550 points. It was like a blow to the head. I was confused for a while and walked around in the park downstairs several times. I didn't know how to explain it to my parents, so I received a call from my parents nervously on my cell phone. After I regained my composure, I went home and told my parents about my results. Their originally overflowing emotions suddenly dimmed. As a child, I can understand the parents' desire for their children to succeed. Especially for those living at the bottom of society, hoping that their children will enter a good university is the only way to change their destiny. However, the reality is... After a long silence, my mother said that she would have to go to work sooner or later, so it was better to go to work now. My dad called my grandma and my uncle and told them about the college entrance examination. My grandma and my uncle once again talked about my mom's thoughts, and later discussed that I should apply for a clinical, laboratory, and laboratory medicine program at a clinical medical school in other provinces. Majoring in dentistry, I was admitted to the pharmacy department of the college after filling in the obedience adjustment. The tuition fee for one semester was more than 14,500, not including accommodation, meals, etc. During the two-month vacation, I spent the whole time in pain and listlessness. It was not because of my failure in the college entrance examination. For me who was ignorant at the time, I felt sad for a while and it passed. The most important thing was that After my college entrance examination, my dad told me on the way home that my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer in April. He didn't tell me because he was afraid it would affect my college entrance examination.During the Spring Festival at the beginning of the year, in my memory, my grandma only had symptoms of hoarse throat. How could it be lung cancer? When I was a child, I remember hearing my grandma say that if someone in the village got cancer, it was basically equivalent to being declared dead! My mind couldn't help but recall the happy time of living with my grandma when I was a child, planting rice seedlings together in spring, harvesting rice together in summer🌾, harvesting cotton together, picking oranges together, etc., and my eyes couldn't help but shed tears. Where is grandma now? I asked loudly, and at Shaw Hospital, my dad said softly. On the way home, we didn't talk. Everything around us suddenly became quiet, there was no noise or commotion. On the day before I left for college in Tianjin, my grandma got up early and cooked me tea eggs in a pressure cooker. Before she left, she kindly said to me: "Finally I see you going to college. Well done. Take care of yourself outside. Don't worry." I was reluctant to spend money, and when I didn’t have enough money, I called my grandma and told her, these are the things you like to eat, eat some when you are hungry.” "Okay grandma, take care of yourself and be happy, and your health will get better." Before leaving, grandma forced me to give me 500 yuan in cash. Sitting in the car, looking at my grandma's retreating figure, tears flowed down unsatisfactoryly. I thought about not going to school many times and staying to take care of my grandma and accompany her. In the end, I didn’t expect that this farewell would be the last time I saw my grandma before her death.