The Wild West world of crypto is a fascinating one. Once you’ve entered some of its communities, you’ll run into some of the strangest characters out there. Perhaps, the anonymity of the internet and its ability to bring out the inner weirdo in some people is what’s doing it. The best way I can describe it, is the Mos Eisley Cantina scene from Star Wars. That is what a lot of Telegram’s crypto chats look like to me. So many different characters, all in one place, all have their own agendas. Some innocent, others — not so much. So without further ado, let’s look at 7 strange characters you’ll encounter in the crypto world.
The Mourners
Why Bitconnnnnnnnnnect, Why?!
Photo By Meruyert Gonullu
Mourners fill chatrooms with their sadness. They’re often seen proclaiming how they unfairly lost crypto and that if there was someone who would be kind enough to send them some, well, that would be really great. The tale of misfortune that befell them is often repeated to whoever will listen. Many of those tales, speak of a mysterious man who approached the mourner and promised that if the mourner gave them 0.5 ETH, they would send them back 2 ETH in about 15 minutes.
The Mourner — clearly being inspired as a child by fairytale books such as Jack And The Beanstalk- sends the ETH. Only to never hear from the stranger again.
Mourners also bemoan moments where they bought crypto at peak prices only to be left months later with bags which reminded them of their long lost fiat value. Or when they put all their money into a single project that turned out to be a rug pull.
Indeed, if you’ve ever heard of or seen the terrible horror movie La Llorona you will already have a good idea of what a crypto mourner looks like. A sad vengeful figure that roams crypto chatrooms mourning their lost crypto which they had a hand in losing.
The Lonely Ones
Hello Friend, Will You Be My Friend?
Not gonna lie. I don’t know much about these guys other than that they creep me the fuck out. The lonely ones will usually pop out of nowhere when you’ve written something in the main chat room(Try the Binance Telegram Chat). They’ll send you a private message and ask if you want to be friends. You can tell them to bugger off, but then they’ll ask more questions like- where are you from? Or What are you doing? or why don’t you want to be my friend?
I think the last time someone actually asked me if I wanted to be their friend was back in the 3rd grade. On the other hand, having a grown ass adult asking that question unequivocally creeps me out and the above picture represents the horrors of what my mind believes is on the other side of the chat window.
It makes me wonder how many people these guys have managed to rip off. Or MURDERED! Ok, maybe not murdered. But they’re still very creepy.
The Customer Support Guys
Hello Sir, Thank You For Contacting Us. How Can I Take Your Cryp…Err, How Can I Help You?
Remember that time when your credit card wouldn’t work. And you had to call up your bank to get it fixed. Only to find that you needed a map to navigate your way through a menu maze that would have made even Theseus cry out in frustration- who designed this shit?! And once you finally reach a human, you’ll be passed around from one guy to another. Placed on hold constantly, until you finally make your way to the customer service guy who just started the job today. Nice.
Yeah, I feel your pain.
In the crypto world however? Fret not! You have the best customer service guys in the world. Have a question in Binance’s chat? All you have to do is ask and in seconds, you’ll get 9 or 10 of them DMing you to help!
Don’t have a problem? Worry not. 9 or 10 of them will DM you anyway to ask if you have a problem. You may be thinking, what outstanding young men! The world needs more of these heroic customer service guys.
Except, they’re not actually customer service guys. They’re all scammers. They’ll use the Binance logo as their profile image and call themselves “Binance Customer Support”. Most people won’t fall for it, but some do. And all they need is that one guy. so ignore them. Unless you need some relationship advice, they do offer some great advice in that field.
The Crypto Babes
Highly Qualified Crypto Coach. Contact Me For Lessons.
I challenge you to go to any Telegram crypto based chat and tell me that you can’t find one of these “Crypto Babes”. They’re everywhere. What’s more is they’ll have the fakest sounding names like Casey Cales or Jennifer Janetson. And surprise surprise, their English is more broken than your Kazakh uncle’s English.
These scammers steal these images from some Instagram accounts to be used in their con jobs. All you have to do is a reverse image search and you’ll likely find the account.
They’re one of the easiest con jobs to spot. And even with that, you still get quite a few chumps out there are being relieved of their crypto. It makes sense to see a a lot of scammers go this route, sex sells and there are no shortage of desperate, foolish guys out there willing to take the bait.
The Sleazy Promoters
I Have This Money Right Here To Give You, Friend. Follow Me And It’s All Yours, Promise. Photo By Anete Lusina
Those guys mostly dwell on Twitter. They have large followings which they’ve amassed through their lies. For example, they’ll say they’re giving away $100 to those who follow, like and retweet their tweet. Except, they’re all liars. If you look at their feed, it’s full of tweets like that. That’s how they get these large followings without giving back anything.
How do I know they’re probably lying? Because non of them actually post about any winners. Why wouldn’t you do that? It would at least provide some legitimacy wouldn’t it? But then again, they don’t really have to, since nobody seems to ever question what they’re doing.
Here’s what one of these tweets usually look like:
Now it’s not to say that every single one of these people are liars, there has to be one or two in a thousand that are honest. But, from what I’ve mostly seen, they’re not legit. Furthermore, their accounts don’t offer any value whatsoever. But that’s to be expected from twitter. I have yet to see any “influencer” account on there that actually offers any sort of value to its users. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
In any case, if you follow one of those people. Know that you’re just a number being used to grow their account so they can profit from it.
The Oracles
I See…Ummph…I S…I See Bitcoin at $50,000,000 Per Coin!
We haven’t touched on the supernatural side of the crypto world. Yes, there is a supernatural side to it. How, you ask? In case you haven’t been around communities much, you’ll find that there are an incredible amount of mediums. Indeed, when they’re not helping the FBI solve crimes or finding missing bodies, mediums tend to gravitate towards the crypto world.
And it makes sense! What better way to use your God given gift than to share with others what you believe a coin’s price will be in exactly one to five years from now. Truly astonishing!
Okay, the truth is, most of the price predictions you find in Telegram chats are pulled straight out of that person’s ass. For example, they’ll proclaim that Bitcoin- currently priced at $20,000 will go to $100,000 in two months. Their logic? Screw logic, they have seen it in their vision! It’s quite comical watching these guys in action. I do recommend it.
On the flip side, there are a few who actually do their homework and quite adept at TA. They offer good reasoning behind why they believe a coin will hit a certain price. So listening and considering what they have to say isn’t always a bad thing.
The Moon Boys
LEEEEEEEET’S FUCKIN’ GO!
The Moon Boys are the “Alpha dudes” of the Crypto scene. They’re quite easy to spot. In every crypto project chatroom, you’ll have a bunch of them that belong to a sort of wolf pack. A brotherhood that was formed from being overly available regulars in these chatrooms. Their sudden appearance is most distinctive when the crypto of their choice has gone up at the very least 5% in price and that’s when the fireworks and celebrations break out.
The chat room almost instantly erupts with the celebratory war cries of the Moon Boys. Rocket & moon emojis, pictures of mansions, Lambos and half naked women paint the walls of the chat. While phrases like “LET’S FUCKIN’ GO!”, “LAMBO TIME BITCHES”, and “YACHT PARTY WITH HOES ON ME!” are echoed loudly through the chat. They’ll confidently tell you how XRP is going to $1000 and Doge to $50. But heed this warning, if you offered up some sort of reasonable mathematical refutation as to why that’s impossible, be ready to open yourself up to abuse or a disturbing revelation involving your mom and the moon boy being your dad and that you shouldn’t speak out of line.
Moon boys are so wild, you can almost feel the testosterone popping right out of your mobile screen. They’re what you’d get if Jordan Belfort had a baby with a Call of Duty player.
But as with any party, it eventually and sadly has to end. In most cases when it becomes evident that the coin price isn’t going higher than 5%, Moon boys retreat back to their stations. Waiting. Until the next time when there are signs that their coin is about to pump and another party needs to break out. Such is the life of a Moon boy.
Alright. I know what you’re thinking, this article makes it look like it’s all bad out there. The good news is no, it’s not all bad. There’s some decent people I’ve met along the way who I’ve learned a lot from. And, a lot of normal folks just grinding it out day by day. Unfortunately, the bad apples do take much of center stage and make the most noise. But, pretty much like any noise, when you’ve heard it enough times, you eventually learn to ignore it.
Be safe out there!
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