Bitcoin: everyone talks about it, few understand it, and you are there nodding as if you just discovered the secret of the universe. Spoiler: you didn’t. But don’t worry, you are not alone. Now I will explain Bitcoin to you, but badly. So badly that it will almost seem right.

What is Bitcoin?

Bitcoin is like a rare Pokémon: you don’t know where to find it, but if you have it, it’s worth a lot. It’s a digital currency that you can’t touch, put in your wallet, or buy a coffee with (unless the barista is a nerd who accepts crypto). It’s “decentralized,” meaning there’s no bank running it, just an army of overworked computers solving mathematical puzzles to keep everything in order.

How does it work?

Imagine you need to send money to a friend, but instead of using PayPal or a card, you decide to send a string of random numbers through a system that consumes a small nation’s electricity. Brilliant, right? Oh, and there’s blockchain, which is like a giant public ledger where everyone can see what you’ve done. Don’t worry, it’s anonymous… until it’s not.

Why is it valuable?

Bitcoin has value because everyone says it does. It’s like modern art, but with more electricity and less sense. Once you could buy it for a few cents. Today you have to sell a kidney to afford it. Tomorrow? It could be worth as much as a pizza. (Yes, it actually happened: someone used 10,000 Bitcoin to buy a pizza in 2010. That pizza is now worth hundreds of millions. Let’s hope it was at least good.)

What is it for?

Arguing with friends about when to buy, when to sell, and how stupid you were for not buying it ten years ago. Or feeling like a genius when it goes up 10% and an idiot when it goes down 20%. Oh, and you can use it to buy stuff on the Internet… like, nothing, unless it’s shady or super niche.

Conclusion

Bitcoin is like love: everyone talks about it, no one really understands it, but everyone hopes to make a fortune with it. So if you are thinking of investing, remember the golden rule: never put more into Bitcoin than you are willing to lose… or explain badly at Christmas dinners.