Mom has passed, left in the early morning of December 10, 2024, at 4:08.
I still feel like it is unreal, like a dream.
Around 4 AM, the rehabilitation center suddenly sent a message saying my mom's condition was not good. I rushed over hastily. Some positions I bought in the office did not account for the needle that burst afterward, and nearly half of the total capital was gone, but I felt nothing.
After rushing to the rehabilitation center, in reality, Mom was already gone. There was no heartbeat, no breathing. I did not let the rehabilitation center and 120 continue resuscitation, nor did I administer adrenaline again. I did not know if what I did was right; I hoped she could leave peacefully rather than endure more pain for the sake of superficial filial piety.
Since this illness was diagnosed in March of this year, I have been trapped in endless anxiety and panic. At one point, I even clutched at 'mysticism' as a 'lifeline,' and accumulating merit for my mom became my motivation to share everything I knew without expecting anything in return.
I initially studied medicine; when the enhanced CT and MRI reports came out, I still had some luck in my heart, thinking maybe that part had inflammation, resulting in a weak enhancement response, perhaps due to congenital developmental abnormalities causing some differences from normal. But when the PET CT and MRI reports finally came out, I already knew deep down what illness my poor mom had and understood what she was about to face.
But what can I do...
I could do nothing...
Bilateral thalamic diffuse glioma is the most malignant type among gliomas, and there were also signs of enhancement on the pancreas, meaning a 'double blow.' Regardless of which disease, both are truly 'terminal illnesses' and are in the late stage, which will cause great suffering. What should I do...
During my time in the hospital, I saw all kinds of cancers in the radiology department. I am very clear on the evolution stages of each type of cancer and their average survival periods... This means I can deceive my wife, my son, my mother, and everyone else, but I cannot deceive myself.
I secretly cried while my mom was out walking the dog.
Taking advantage of my wife and child being out of the house, I secretly cried.
I feel like this is all I can do now.
After experiencing a brief period of pain and entanglement, I had to face two choices.
1. Now, intervention treatment is necessary, but due to the location, surgery is not feasible, nor can targeted drugs or radiotherapy be administered. The so-called intervention treatment means being hospitalized, and then immediately readmitted after discharge, relying on mannitol to control intracranial pressure. Although this cannot treat glioma, it can suppress the mass and control the timing of 'brain herniation,' extending the survival period as much as possible, but there is no quality of life to speak of. From the day of hospitalization, it means never being able to return home. The part of the pancreas can only be intervened after symptoms appear, even though it is meaningless.
2. At that time, there were no symptoms; it was just an accidental vomiting that made me feel uneasy, leading me to take her to the hospital for a full check-up. After the regular CT and MRI showed no issues, we continued with enhanced CT, MRI, and PET scans before this problem was discovered. And without a biopsy, it cannot be confirmed. So before the first episode, I decided not to proceed with any intervention treatment, allowing my mom to enjoy her last moments of normal life and time.
Because no matter how I chose, I would regret it; no matter what I did, I would regret it. In the end, I still chose to stay at home first, and after the illness, to invest everything in treatment.
After the check-up in March, everything was peaceful. I didn't know how long she could remain this healthy, so I took her on weekly trips to the suburbs, and during slightly longer vacations, I took her traveling around the country. I didn't know how long she could accompany me; I originally thought she could celebrate the Spring Festival with me for 24 years...
I had already planned to take my child to Hangzhou during summer vacation; she had been wanting to see West Lake...
Everything came to a sudden stop on July 2...
The sudden onset directly led to a massive cerebral infarction.
She lay in the ICU for 13 days, then transferred to a high-care ward for 15 days, and only then did her vital signs stabilize.
When I saw Mom again, she was already filled with tubes and could not recognize who I was.
After that, it was daily injections of unimaginable dosages of drugs and nutritional fluids.
Fifteen days later, everything had stabilized; although Mom still couldn't speak, she seemed to have regained some awareness.
I set up the iPad I placed at her bedside and downloaded her favorite TV series from before.
She seemed to be able to 'focus' for a while longer.
She just doesn't pay much attention to me.
I was thinking that if this could go on forever, it would also be a kind of happiness, at least Mom was still here.
But hospitalization always has time limits, and being discharged and immediately readmitted is not a long-term solution.
Later, the attending physician came to discuss, saying that in this situation, they had no further treatment options, and could only maintain her condition. However, the methods and means in the hospital were limited, and there were concerns about causing bedsores, so they told us to discharge her. After some inquiries, I found out about the Greenland Rehabilitation Center, which is under Greenland Group and is quite a reputable institution. After visiting, the conditions were indeed very good, so she was transferred to the rehabilitation center.
In the early days after, the situation did improve; she was no longer on nutritional fluids but instead was having normal food pushed through a gastric tube using a blender. Mom's complexion noticeably improved, and her limbs began to gain strength. I was once again filled with hope, even though I knew this could only be a temporary moment.
After that, it was running back and forth between the rehabilitation center and home. Although it was tiring, every time I saw that Mom was in good condition, I felt reassured.
During this time, my dog also passed away...
The dog I raised for 18 years, who accompanied me through startups, success, bankruptcy, and hardship, is also gone.
Actually, that day I was not saddened because the dog had passed away, but because after experiencing various circumstances, I no longer had any ambition. I just wanted to live a simple life, with my family safe and sound, without great sorrow or joy or upheaval, just that. But this kind of normal life that is typical for ordinary people has become a luxury and a desire for me.
I also don't know where I went wrong that led to such a rough fate.
Later, one day, Mom started showing symptoms of a fever, a complication that inevitably arises from prolonged bed rest, which is pleural effusion pneumonia. This was a very bad beginning. Due to her position, there wasn't much that could be done; only symptomatic treatment was possible.
Later on, after continuous treatment, the inflammation temporarily subsided, but Mom's 'awake' time became shorter.
Almost every time I visited, she was in 'sleep,' but just watching her sleep made me feel content.
Later, she started showing signs of poor digestion and vomiting. The thing I feared the most finally happened.
The rehabilitation center has also started requiring signing a waiver agreement. Poor digestion means multiple organ failure, while vomiting indicates that intracranial pressure cannot be suppressed again.
Due to the increased intracranial pressure caused by the mass, if relief is needed, surgery is the only option, which involves removing part of the skull or a large area of the skull to relieve pressure. But that is not a treatment method, rather a means of prolongation; this process and the aftermath would double the pain Mom has to endure.
During this process, she developed a persistent high fever again; after a week of treatment, her temperature finally went down.
And I was happy for less than two days before Mom passed away.
Everything is so absurd; if there is anything that brings me a little comfort, it is that Mom did not suffer the pain I feared before; she left very peacefully and serenely.
Mom was a very beautiful and strong person in her life; when she left, she had a peaceful and calm expression.
Mom and Dad have reunited; they can hold the dog together now.
Only I remained.
Today I accompanied Mom on her final journey, taking my son with me. He cried on the way, yes, he misses his grandmother; how could he not? The most tolerant little old lady has gone. When his grandfather passed away, he was too young, so I selfishly chose not to let him attend the funeral. But now that his grandmother is gone, he is no longer a child; separation by life and death is something everyone must experience eventually. I could only keep comforting him and everyone else, telling them it’s okay, it’s fine; she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. I am also fine; I am doing well, and I can get through this.
In fact, my heart has long been shattered.
The departure of close relatives is a never-ending rain; on every specific holiday, at a place once visited together, over a dish once shared, a certain scene, or a specific smell, will suddenly remind you of her. At night, when I saw a half-eaten chocolate in the fridge, I asked my son why he hadn't finished it.
He said he couldn't bear to eat it; this chocolate was the last gift from his grandmother, and he wanted to keep it as a memorial. He wrapped it up to prevent it from melting and put it in the fridge.
Children's ways of expressing emotions are always very direct and simple.
The most direct and simplest is often the most heartfelt.
At this moment, I could no longer see his usual disobedience and rebellion.
I only saw a little boy who loved and missed his grandmother.
Mom, in this life, the bond between mother and child is shallow; I hope in the next life, we can have the chance to reconnect.
Lastly, I sincerely apologize to the friends I misled previously. I am not a teacher, nor a master; I am just an ordinary trader like you, and I am someone who can be easily emotional. I did not graduate in finance, nor do I have profound research on the market. I only developed quantitative trading, which required a lot of reviewing and backtesting of historical data. In this process, I constantly looked for various indicators and repeatedly combined and tested them, thus quickly accumulating some experience. However, since historical data has already occurred, I cannot claim how accurate my predictions for the future are; they are merely probabilities. In this process, I shared everything I knew, understood, and believed at the time of publishing the articles without reservation. Whether right or wrong, it was based on my understanding at that moment.
If this outcome misled and harmed you, then I am sorry, truly sorry.
Because no matter what, I never had the intention to harm you; at the beginning and throughout this process, and even now, I have never thought of harming anyone.
I have not had any desire for commercialization; now that Mom is gone, I no longer want to contend for anything.
I only wish everyone’s trading goes smoothly, may every parent in the world be safe, and may everyone’s family be happy and complete.
Trading is a condiment in the dull life; one cannot neglect family because of trading.
I hope everyone's parents are healthy.
I don't have many friends, and I don't know who to confide in.
After all, no one likes to hear these things.
I can only post it here.
I'm sorry; perhaps this content has affected your good mood.
So, I'm sorry, my friend, please forgive me once more.