Wanting to break even is a gambler's mentality. You should withdraw.

I admit I am an idiot.

Over the past year, I have lost not only money but also the alienation from those around me after the losses, my vitality has gradually diminished, living without desire, sleepless nights, and even not wanting to eat; I lost 18 pounds in one month. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I just want to break even, but I’m getting further away. I’m really tired and don’t want to continue, but there’s no way back. What should I do? I know the answer, but I can’t do it.

Am I suffering now? It should count as suffering, but I’ve become somewhat numb, feeling only unwillingness inside. I’m unwilling to be an idiot; why can’t I be a genius? I know it’s all my fault; I don’t blame anyone nor can I blame anyone. But why am I such an idiot? I hate myself.

I have come very close to breaking even twice (1000u; I know it’s not much in everyone’s eyes, even if the salary is low, working two months would yield that, but I am a student. I won’t just wait to die; I will take part-time jobs. But my mind is filled with the obsession of breaking even, thinking that only when my exchange balance reaches 1000u can I stop). In these two trades, each was closer to 1000u than the last, all done with very small capital compounded; I thought I could still do it, but now I understand that the profits came from the market, not from my ability. I used to be able to profit by making 60-70k in fluctuations, but once a one-sided trend starts, I just become an idiot. I used to think that those who mindlessly went long could earn so much, just like how I used to despise overly strong heroes in the game Honor of Kings, believing that such heroes were artificially inflated. Once this hero is nerfed, they will inevitably fall back to the rank they originally belonged to; why should it be so easy to rise? Now I’ve realized that if a simple method can be used, why use a difficult one? I’m really an idiot; how could there be someone as foolish as me in this world? I can’t stand myself; I hate myself.

Tonight feels a bit crazy, a bit scary; it’s really ridiculous. I suddenly remembered the first time I opened a position and accidentally got liquidated, letting everyone laugh at me. Let everyone laugh again this time.

I’m so tired, good night.
#无言的痛