How to be a successful crypto trader (or at least fake it)

Think you're ready for the world of crypto? Welcome to this amusement park where everyone plays at being a millionaire... until the market slaps you back to reality. Here are some quick tips to help you survive:

Tip #1: Buy high and sell low. It never fails.

If you've never experienced the sweet feeling of buying at the peak and selling at the bottom, you haven't lived. That adrenaline rush of "I have to sell NOW!" right after your crypto crashes is what makes true traders.

Tip #2: FOMO is your best friend.

Nothing screams "wisdom" like getting into a coin that's skyrocketing only to watch it crash a second later. Because of course, you never want to be "the one" who missed the rocket to the moon, even if that rocket has a one-way ticket... to hell.

Tip #3: Stay glued to Twitter.

If some crypto influencer with a weird nickname and anime profile picture says it, it must be true, right? Don't waste time on technical analysis, let your FOMO and Twitter guide your investments. After all, what could go wrong?

Tip #4: Remember, crypto loves you… until it doesn't.

One day they make you feel on top of the world and the next they leave you with no money for breakfast. It's like that toxic relationship you can't leave. But don't worry, you can always "hold." Or cry. Whichever comes first.

And there you have it. Follow these tips and hopefully you'll lose 90% of your investment before the end of the month. Good luck!